War Diary – Day 2 & 3: Like a Phoenix

This post includes my progress report for Day 2, since I wasn’t able to write that day.

– Day 2 –

So, I’ll talk about Day 2 first. I didn’t feel any urge during that day. But that doesn’t mean it was much an improvement, because the reason I wasn’t able to write has something to do with another bad habit of mine: gaming. Excessive gaming. Especially in the middle of the night, forsaking my body’s need for 7-8 hours of sleep.

I like to consider myself a gamer. Playing PC games are one of my favorite hobbies, and one of my favorite games is the popular multiplayer online battle arena (MOBA) Dota 2, which happens to be what I was playing the midnight of Day 2.

Actually, I wasn’t planning on staying up later than midnight to play. A friend invited me to play, and I was, I guess, too shy to decline. I was too obsessed with thinking, or more apltly, overthinking, of what my friend was gonna say or think of me if I say no. Would he think I’m a killjoy? Would he think I’m not as good a friend as he was to me? Or maybe I’d gradually lose my connection to him, because gaming is one of our common interests.

I’ve read a few stuff on the importance of saying no, and how if one must be more productive, one must learn how to say no. But now that I think of it, I don’t think that not saying no is really my issue on this one.

I wanted to play. I wasn’t able to say no, because I didn’t want to. Deep inside, I’ve been waiting for someone to invite me to play, or for something that my brain could use to rationalize sacrificing sleep just to have a little fun playing Dota 2.

And when I talked about sacrifice in my previous entry, this was not the kind I had in mind.

What I lack was not the courage to say no, but the will to just call it a day and not spend a couple more hours playing. There’s a huge difference. One is simply declining to do something I don’t want, while the other is willing to not do something in order to become I want to become.

I want to be a more responsible and more reliable person, and in order for me to do that, I have to give less importance to games and direct my attention to the things that really matter.

It doesn’t mean I have to give up the child in me that likes fun and games, because I consider that part of who I am. In fact, I think all of us have that childlike self within us, and we should be careful to not lose it. What I’m saying is that it is now time for the adult in me to take charge and to grow.

And fix that goddamn sleep schedule of yours, will you?

– Day 3 –

I’d like to start by saying that today, I was able to sort of improve on yesterday’s experience. I said no after me and my pal played a game. Baby steps, I say, but progress nonetheless.

Today though, I experienced an urge. And it was the kind that screams “KIA” on the first week of the war.

I’m not gonna go through the details as I already did that -in a personal notebook, I wrote about the experience and all the things I thought about it. It wasn’t the prettiest piece I wrote, and the words I used were ugly, but I had to watch myself get it all out.

When I finished, I reached three pages, then I cut those pages and burned them. (Good thing there was no one at the house at the time except me lol)

I felt a sense of victory as I held the pieces of paper one at a time and watched them burn. It was…good…seeing the words in the pages turn to ashes and ink, and it got my blood rushing through my veins and thinking only of how I slayed the enemy, even after being suppressed by heavy fire a while ago.

Out of my more than four years doing NoFap, this is the first time I felt victory. True victory.

And that’s because I wasn’t alone. I checked in at the Heirs War Field Hospital at Telegram because I felt like I can’t take on the enemy single-handedly and that I really needed help. Thankfully, there were “medics” (what we call guys who are ready to offer motivation and any kind of help to those who need it) who pushed me into getting up and dedicating my mind and energy to more important things. Thanks to Tacolishus and Indie, I believe that I wouldn’t be writing this entry if they weren’t there when I needed help.

And thanks for my newfound band of brothers, the Heirs of the Sun, for giving me a crucial mission where failure isn’t an option. It is because I made it clear to myself that I will not be a liability anymore that I was able to harness an extra ounce of energy to push myself. I want to lead my brothers to victory, and I can do that only if I could lead myself.

With that, I conclude my progress report for Days 2 and 3. Thanks for reading.

 

 

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1 Comment

  1. So glad to read that. You are in the right path. I’m with you in this. Keep strong.

    Like

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